


(Rejection Sensitive) Dysphoria

by exhibits_no_restraint



Category: Brooklyn Nine-Nine (TV)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Jake Peralta has ADHD, POV Second Person, Spoilers for 6x12, Trans Jake Peralta
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-14
Updated: 2019-04-14
Packaged: 2020-01-13 08:38:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 502
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18465379
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/exhibits_no_restraint/pseuds/exhibits_no_restraint
Summary: "Rejection sensitive dysphoria is an extreme emotional sensitivity and emotional pain triggered by the perception — not necessarily the reality — that a person has been rejected, teased, or criticized by important people in their life. Rejection sensitive dysphoria (RSD) may also be triggered by a sense of failure, or falling short — failing to meet either their own high standards or others’ expectations."Alternative title: Fuck Casecation





	(Rejection Sensitive) Dysphoria

**Author's Note:**

> Jake has ADHD, which probably means he has RSD. I wanted to look at that, and his transness, in connection to the events in casecation.  
> (Summary Quote from additude magazine  
> https://www.additude.com/rejection-sensitive-dysphoria-and-adhd/ )

You look over at your beautiful wife, and your heart still swells. "Ames, you know, our anniversary is coming up. I was wondering if you wanted to take a little trip somewhere, just the two of us."   
Amy puts down the book she was reading and looks at you, a grimace already forming on her face. "Babe I've been so busy with work and I don't have time for a vacation right now. I'm sorry. Maybe another time."  
You nod in understanding and she goes back to her book, but you feel like you've been punched in the gut. You're too careful to roar with anger like too many men you know. But you feel the compulsion to curl up on the couch with a pint of ice cream and watch The Notebook.  
Instead you start to form a plan. If Amy can't get off work to go on vacation you'll bring vacation to work.  
  
When your stomach drops again it takes you a beat to realize why. "We don't have kids yet but we're going to start trying soon." You never told her. You've told her you're trans, of course, and modern medicine has come a long way. The only problem is, you didn't store any eggs before you transitioned. You can't have kids with Amy. You spend the entire allotted debate time trying to figure out how to tell her. You come up empty.  
  
The debate is over, and you've lost and you're trying not to panic.   
And then you hear it.  
"I'll have to start over."   
It's a wonder you stay standing.  
It's all of your worst fears realized. You worried, early on, that Amy might feel like she was missing out on all of the things a cis man could give her. But she seemed so genuine in her affection for you, you cast it to the side. You  know now that was a mistake.  
So when you see Pam in the room with a bomb, you carefully and calmly close the door behind you.  
_I'll have to start over._  
When her finger inches closer to the button, you step closer.  
_I'll have to start over._  
When she explains what happened, how she got here, you don't panic.  
_I'll have to start over._  
You don't tell her that she'll have to start over. You don't let her know you've already been broken twice today.  
And she hands you the bomb.  
_I'll have to start over._ __  
_I'll have to start over._ __  
_I'll have to start over._   
You hand it off to the bomb squad.  
  
And then she's there. And she is beautiful, as always.  
_I'll have to start over._  
"I do want to have kids with you," and you almost convince yourself you mean it  
__I'll have to start over.  
"But not right away. I'm still not all the way there."   
You breathe a sigh of relief, having bought yourself some time to figure out how to tell her.  
And if you don't, well.  
You'll have to start over.

**Author's Note:**

> What'd you think?  
> Feedback appreciated as always


End file.
